How to make new friends as an adult.

Hey,

It's Alex.

The topic of this email was supposed to be: "Why being vulnerable is so important?"

But in the middle, I realized that what I'm writing is actually a guide on how to make meaningful friends as an adult.

Read it, and you will understand why...

I've been working on my vulnerability level for a long time. It's not easy, especially when you're born as a man.

No matter what your career path is, practicing vulnerability can benefit your communication with the people around you in ways you never imagined.

It's a missing part that can change your life and make it more meaningful. And naturally, you will have more friends.

Let me share my coaching thoughts about it...

What do most of us want?

A better connection with people around us. Especially today...when we're glued to the screens most of the time.

You can be as independent and emotionally strong as you want. At the end of the day, you are a biological creature named: human.

And part of your biological needs are fulfilled by communication with other human beings like you.

We all want to feel:

• Safe

• Supported

• Connected

• Understood

And have a deeper meaning in most relationships we have.

Don’t believe me?

Go to any elder house in your area and ask what the person would change in the life that he lived. Most elderly people will mention relationships.

Now imagine a situation...

A new person entered your life. It can be a new colleague, gym buddy, or parent of your kid's friend.

Naturally, you start to spend more time together. You have mutual interests. Conversations are smooth.

But something is missing...

It's not the same as with your best friend, who knows you from high school.

But what exactly is missing for this new friendship to become the same level? Or even better.

The ingredient that is missing is trust.

In most cases, friends from our childhood differ from us in adult life. However, we still keep in contact because of the trust level that was created during childhood.

Friends we meet later in life actually have more things in common with us. But it’s harder to develop the trust.

It's obvious as you still don't know your new friend.

But what's supposed to happen in a new friendship that you will feel trust in?

Is it just about the amount of time?

Not exactly.

Read carefully...

What is missing is a moment of vulnerability.

It's a magic moment when both of you just see each other without any societal masks.

When you show each other what is happening inside of you. Without a filter.

A moment when you accept each other for being not perfect human beings.

You can't fake this moment.

It's a feeling.

Ask yourself…when was the last time you had something similar to what I just described?

It's not happening every day.

And, of course, not with each person it's supposed to happen.

But if you analyze your friends and roll back in time, if it's a close friend to you, you will find these moments in your friendship.

Let me share a few tips on how you can increase the chance of having more of these moments that create strong, meaningful connections:

1. Never interrupt anyone in any conversation.

Shut up and listen.

Listen to the person in front of you.

Don't listen to respond, and don't think about what you are going to say.

Listen to understand.

Listen, not just to words. Listen to emotions and body language.

2. Never multitask in a conversation (don't touch your phone).

Despite the fact that it's disrespectful towards the person in front of you, it's also not effective.

You will not listen 100% — It's proven by science. We all do this from time to time, and we should be more aware of it, especially if it's in the middle of a conversation with kids.

3. Don't assume.

If someone is sharing something personal with you, something emotionally hard.

First, realize that it's a gift. A person feels enough trust towards you to be vulnerable.

ONLY after the person has finished talking, ask the next simple question:

"How can I be beneficial for you in (what the person shared with you)?”

• Don't assume that a person needs your advice.

• Don't assume that a person needs your help.

• Don't assume that a person needs your opinion.

• Don't assume that you know better than him.

• Don't assume anything.

We all listen from our own point of view. The hardest part is to divide our view from what we hear and to understand that it's not about us.

4. Be more vulnerable.

If, most of the time, people don't open up to you, it may be a sign that they don't feel emotionally safe near you.

It's a hard thing to hear, I know, but humans don't show their vulnerable parts when they don't feel safe.

And if you don't like to show your vulnerable parts, people will not like to show theirs to you.

As it's not safe.

And it's hard to feel connected to someone who shows up perfect all the time.

5. Work on your judgment level.

The worst thing you can do is to judge someone who is sharing his vulnerable part with you.

• To invalidate a person's feelings.

• To teach him how he's supposed to be.

• To say "It's not so bad".

It's not so bad for you. But that's the thing… It's not about you.

If you find yourself often judging others, it's connected to the level of how much you can accept people who are different from you.

Who act differently in situations than you.

And it's not easy for you to accept it.

The more you accept others as they are, the less you will need to judge, as it will just stop bothering you.

P.S.

I'm reminding you that I still have a spot for 1:1 Ontological Coaching with me.

Coaching that can help get rid of:

• Ineffective beliefs.

• Self-sabotaging behaviors.

• Stuck mode in business or life.

And, of course, strategies, toolkits, and much more…

Alex